Mindfully Ambidextrous Part 1 - Intro.

Lots of thoughts randomly inserted - sorry in advance.

View image | gettyimages.com

 
Within the last 365 days, I sank into a dark place.  This dark place was familiar, but only as an acquaintance - it was like that person you meet and only know on the surface, and nothing more.  But this time around, the stint was longer and I became entangled in the darkness.

Scratch that, actually it has been about 525 days of this (and yes, I had to use my excel sheet to calculate the approximate dates).

Anyway, while the smiles and the laughs were real and genuine with those who I've been lucky to be around, I would eventually soon break alone.  Many days I would come home and fall on my knees. And to be clear, there was no alcohol or substance abuse involved...my mind just took me there.  It was to a point of feeling worthless day over day and I didn't know how to fix it except to let myself be alone and let only the closest and safest people I knew know of the overwhelming sadness.  For those who were there, thank you.

In the past, I turned to comedy in moments like this, but this time around, it wasn't there because I decided at a certain point that whatever I contributed was once again worthless not only because I was mentally not available but the work and the process in and off itself was worthless because I was worthless.  And that anything comedic that I did was only for attention and validation and who wants to do that?  Of course, that's not true, but at the time, those were the thoughts and that's where I was.

It was the same sad tune every day...and eventually my posture changed, the way I laughed changed, I could no longer sleep regularly, my health deteriorated and I lost a lot of weight, and the way I saw things got distorted and I didn't know what to do except to finally seek out help.

Seeking help from someone with a license was the first logical step and to be honest, it did help.  It was my left brain saying, "Yo homie, you need to fix this shit. Let people who know about these things help you."

But there was still a part of me that was still not satiated and still very unhappy...and that was my right brain, the spiritual self, that thing that I shut off awhile back because it was stupid and in my head it was just mysticism and mystics were just people who were escapist and out of touch with reality.

I didn't want to be a mystic and I don't want to be out of touch with reality because, seriously, how are we supposed to live, grow, and contribute if we are off twirling in a fake green field filled with lollipops and rainbows while there are people out there suffering? And if we are relying on a higher being that supposedly can help you but only to know that that might not even exist, what's the point? So I shut it off.

Shutting it off was a mistake.
Shutting comedy off was a mistake.

So the question(s) for me was how do I balance the right and the left, when does logic get thrown out the window and the view of the free spirit, limitless, paradox accepting person come into play? Can we strike a balance and let one yield to the other when needed? If so, how? If so, does that make me a right/left mind panderer of convenience because I don't want to be one...

And that's where I landed - how do I become mindfully ambidextrous that makes sense to me and allows me to take in the world in a more productive and positive ways.

To be continued (hopefully).
**Also, thank you to those who responded to my FB Post.