I got a ticket at eighteen that gave me a chance to do whatever I wanted in my life. It wasn’t first class by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a seat nonetheless. A seat to exploration, education, growth, and the realization of myself.
Growing up I was carefully watched over by my parents with every move and activity strategically curated by them. They struggled to make sure our (I had a brother and a sister) foundation was strong by providing us a stable and safe home (the best way they knew how), the pleasure of competitive camaraderie through sports, an appreciation for the complexity in fine arts, and the value of learning and education - we were benefitting in ways that we would only appreciate later in life.
I, then, felt confined, misunderstood, and incomplete despite this regimented love because parts of it wasn’t all me. And after thirty years, these three words would continually be repeated – over and over again. And each time I felt confined, misunderstood, and incomplete, I would run away in hopes of happiness and self actualization.
It’s an ongoing process, and to be honest, I’m not sure whether or not I’m doing a disservice to myself by running away when these negative emotions are present. All I know now is that each time I do move away or remove myself, there are amazing lessons to be found especially after some time of self reflection.
Our emotions are there as signs to take actions to alleviate and turn things around. And whenever I’ve noticed those three words becoming an ever present darkness hovering over me , I would go back to the basic tools given to me, but this time in my own way.
I turned back to people and places that made me feel safe, I started exercising again, I look to comedy, improv, and writing as an artistic and cathartic way to positively address these negative emotions, and I go back to reading and heading to spaces where I could possibly learn and grow once again.
What I’ve seen recently is that when I lose parts of the basic four that’s not truly me, I go back to the negative three.
I’m going back to the basic four right now, but that’s the problem, I should never have lost the basic four in the first place. Why?
And that’s another story and another self reflection that I have to work out in private.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
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